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Friday, July 1, 2011

My biggest trial: 30 pounds

Here's the thing about me. I don't really like to be vulnerable. It scares me a little to write about something that I'm currently struggling with, but here goes: I don't much like my body these days.

With each pregnancy, and each birth of a child, I was able to let it go. I knew that my body had just done something amazing. I brought a child into the world. And if I had to gain 40ish pounds each time to do that, then okay. And I was fortunate to be able to lose that weight each time in about 9 months to a year.

Fast Forward to Baby #4. Emergency C-section, terrible and slow recovery. My body did NOT bounce back, but I was slowly making strides in the right direction. I lost all the weight but about 15 pounds in about a year. Then, I got an IUD put in. I noticed that my clothes were fitting tighter, but it wasn't until 4 months later that I actually got on a scale and realized I had put on almost 20 pounds in that short amount of time! I hadn't changed my eating or my exercise habits, except maybe to add in a little more exercise! I found a site online where women have had similar results. So frustrating! As soon as I realized what the problem was, you can be sure I got that thing removed!!

But, I still have to live with the aftermath. I am trying really hard to be patient. The hard thing is, I was already working really hard to be patient BEFORE I had this added obstacle. Now, with 30 pounds to lose, the struggle is as much mental as it is physical. I have lost this much weight before, right? It's just like having a baby all over again (without the middle of the night feedings). Only it doesn't feel the same at all. Instead of feeling amazed at what my body was able to accomplish, I am mad that my body betrayed me by gaining all this weight in the first place.

Sigh. That is beside the point, I guess. Like I tell my yoga students, be in the present moment. Don't let your thoughts focus too much on the past or on the future. Experience the now.

And the choice is this: I can enjoy my now and work really hard to not let it bother me too much, or I can let thoughts about my body consume me. I can take steps now to change what my body looks like in the future, or I can give up and throw in the towel.

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